I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My liver is preforming stress tests.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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