It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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