Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
