We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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