Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
