Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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