I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
