I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
