people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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