P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
