im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
