"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
