And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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