It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
