I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
