i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
