new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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