Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
