So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Randomize
