gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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