is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize