I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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