Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
