I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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