I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
