i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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