She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
