I cannot find my penis.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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