I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
