she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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