Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
