I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you had me at cake vodka
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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