i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
