They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Found your dick twin last night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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