We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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