she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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