Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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