apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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