The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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