Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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