take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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