there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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