Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
