K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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