chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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