My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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