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If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
