True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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