So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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