I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
