i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
