i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
