No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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