i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
