He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
