Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
