I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
