Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
