I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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