tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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