btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
