i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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