i will never coherently bang her
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
