who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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